A childless mother: I'll begin at the beginning
posted by Jen at 5:02 PM
3 comments
Monday, November 15, 2004
I'll begin at the beginning
Hello, I am Jennifer. I am a 32-year-old childless mother. My Husband & I got pregnant last year, but it ended tragically in an ectopic. I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance and sent directly to surgery.
Seven weeks ... the most peaceful, perfect time of my life. I am bipolar and once we realized we were pregnant I immediately stopped taking my medication. (Lithium, wellbutrin, topomax & ativan) My family was nervous and shared their concerns about the med. issue, but after a couple of weeks they all saw an amazing change. I was peaceful and perfect. For seven weeks ... I have never in my adult life felt anything like it. It was euphoric ... pregnancy.
When I was 12 years old, I remember asking my teacher if I could go to the restroom. I had only 1 period prior, so this was still very new to me. I reached into my purse and pulled out a pad, the next thing I knew I woke up on the floor of the girl’s bathroom to the sound of people in the halls. Had I passed out? ... I managed to pull it together just long enough to make it to the nurse's office and made a call to my Mother. Once I got home I hid out in my room where I cried in pain. This was the beginning of what would be my monthly cycle.
At 22 I moved to Georgia and had no plans of moving back to California. I was young and idealistic :). I began having extreme pain w/ my cycle and after spending several days in bed my roommate finally dragged me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The doctor informed me that it had gone undetected for quite some time. I had what would be the first of many laparoscopic surgeries. After coming out of recovery, the doctor came in and told me that he had never seen such a mess and he was recommending a hysterectomy. Now, I was in Georgia w/o my family or having very many friends in the vicinity, so I freaked out! I tried to play it off, like I was unaffected. When I got home I locked the door to my room & didn't come out. I cried, whaled, I punched, threw, screamed, kicked and finally fell asleep. My roommate called my Mother and she was there the next day. I was soon on a plane back to California for a second opinion.
That was 10 years ago, and the road from there to here has been a long one on terms of my physical & mental state. At 28 I was finally diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder. I had been misdiagnosed from the age of 15. At first the side affects seemed unbearable, but I knew what I hoped to achieve so with the support of my family I was able to stick with the meds. After getting re-established in the world of the living I met my Husband. I could write page after page about how perfect he is for me, but I will spare you the gushy details, for now. :)
So, my right tube was removed because the ectopic pregnancy caused it to burst. I now have my left tube that the doctors say is in bad shape. What to do??? My Mother & I are quite resourceful and decide to get on the Internet to find some answers. After months of emails, letters, phone calls & Dr. visits, I came in contact with a lovely Dr. @ Stanford University Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Center in Palo Alto, CA. (about 3 hr drive from my home) I learned of a study that was taking place and if we were to be part of this study, our IVF cost would be cut drastically.
My Mother & I drove to my appt. @ Stanford (husband had to work) and met with this lovely Dr. She had positive things to say which made me hopeful. I did, however, have to jump through a zillion hoops before we could do the actual IVF.
August 13th, 10:15 am I check in for surgery. My perfect OB/GYN was going to perform a "laparoscopic left salpingectomy/hysteroscopy" in other words, she was going to remove my left tube and take some photos of my uterus for my Stanford Dr.
September 1st, begin oral hormones.
Everything seemed to be going rather smoothly and I was feeling ok mentally too. We were looking fwd to our injection training class and our first ultrasound. The training went well and the ultrasound itself looked well, unfortunately, the nurse we were dealing with failed to tell us that my husband needed karyotyping. (blood work that takes 2.5 wks to culture) GRRRR! I left there feeling like I had been punched in the stomach!
October 6th, baseline ultrasound.
Dr. says everything looks real good & we will start Follistim and Repronex in 6 days. woo! hoo! The ride begins ... The injections begin & my husband is amazing! He takes his time and is so gentle. He knows that I have a ridiculous fear of needles. shots, more shots, Antagon ... baby aspirin ... doxycyline ... progesterone ... prenatal ... HCG ... I was a walking hormone!!
October 22nd, egg retrieval and semen collection.
Piece of cake, we'll go in, they'll take those beautiful follicles that I've worked so hard to cultivate and then we go home & relax for the next 3-5 days. Relax? Are you kidding me? Before we left Stanford we were told they harvested 10 eggs! 10!! That's good, right?
They called the next morning to tell us that 7 of those 10 eggs fertilized. 7 fertilized! 7!! That has to be good!
At day 3 all 7 made it to 8 cell and transfer would take place @ day five when the embryos were blastosyst. The study we were a part of was a "PGD study" in other words, some scientist guy would draw a tiny bit of fluid from each 8 cell embryo and do genetic testing. Afer all was said & done, 4 of the 7 were beautiful and in my words, "without flaw".
October 27th, 11:45am - embryo transfer
As I lay there, feet in stirrups, I tell my Dr. that two people had told me I was having twin boys, & I thought there might be some truth to that. She looked up at me with a strange expression, and told me that the 2 embryos that she was transferring were both boys. Wow! That’s crazy, boys? ... I'm going to be the mother of baby boys?? After the procedure, my Husband came in the room & I shared this with him. Neither one of us could wipe the silly grins off our faces. :) Now we're off to the B&B for 3 days and relax. (We were instructed to take it very easy, avoid bumpy roads, and stay off your feet kind of easy for the first 48 hours) So we did.
November 4th, pregnancy test @ Stanford.
My husband had to stay @ home & work so my mother took me to Palo Alto for the blood test. The results would ready after 3pm, same day.
The phone rings ... I answer ... Jennifer, we're sorry...
I couldn't tell you what else was said. I went numb. This wasn't right; they mixed my results up w/ someone else. The lab was very busy this morning; the tech. seemed flustered, that's got to be it. I called my husband, when I heard his voice answer, I fell apart. This wasn't supposed to happen to us! We had done everything right! Why the FUCK was God doing this to me? I kicked, screamed, threw, punched, screamed and cried ... only this time I couldn't sleep. I just lay in our bed and silently cried in the dark. The next day the phone calls began. My brothers, cousins, grandparents, aunts & uncles, friends, you name it, they called. Everyone wanted to know the results. I just watched the called id light up and cried!
Today is November 15th and I am still crying. Not as frequently, but crying nonetheless. I went to church yesterday, not so angry with God. We're going to try for #2.
Two eggs are frozen and waiting for me. I am beginning to feel hope again. I want to feel the excitement of bringing a baby into our family. I want all of it! I want to be pregnant; I want to go through the painstaking labor, sleepless nights, I WANT IT ALL! I want to be a mother and look into the eyes of my child and see the love that my husband & I share for each other.
Now I wait, my next cycle will be the beginning of the next chapter. I wish I could read the last couple of pages and know how all of this will turn out. I want to feel the excitement, but @ the same time shield my heart from any pain.
Seven weeks ... the most peaceful, perfect time of my life. I am bipolar and once we realized we were pregnant I immediately stopped taking my medication. (Lithium, wellbutrin, topomax & ativan) My family was nervous and shared their concerns about the med. issue, but after a couple of weeks they all saw an amazing change. I was peaceful and perfect. For seven weeks ... I have never in my adult life felt anything like it. It was euphoric ... pregnancy.
When I was 12 years old, I remember asking my teacher if I could go to the restroom. I had only 1 period prior, so this was still very new to me. I reached into my purse and pulled out a pad, the next thing I knew I woke up on the floor of the girl’s bathroom to the sound of people in the halls. Had I passed out? ... I managed to pull it together just long enough to make it to the nurse's office and made a call to my Mother. Once I got home I hid out in my room where I cried in pain. This was the beginning of what would be my monthly cycle.
At 22 I moved to Georgia and had no plans of moving back to California. I was young and idealistic :). I began having extreme pain w/ my cycle and after spending several days in bed my roommate finally dragged me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with endometriosis. The doctor informed me that it had gone undetected for quite some time. I had what would be the first of many laparoscopic surgeries. After coming out of recovery, the doctor came in and told me that he had never seen such a mess and he was recommending a hysterectomy. Now, I was in Georgia w/o my family or having very many friends in the vicinity, so I freaked out! I tried to play it off, like I was unaffected. When I got home I locked the door to my room & didn't come out. I cried, whaled, I punched, threw, screamed, kicked and finally fell asleep. My roommate called my Mother and she was there the next day. I was soon on a plane back to California for a second opinion.
That was 10 years ago, and the road from there to here has been a long one on terms of my physical & mental state. At 28 I was finally diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder. I had been misdiagnosed from the age of 15. At first the side affects seemed unbearable, but I knew what I hoped to achieve so with the support of my family I was able to stick with the meds. After getting re-established in the world of the living I met my Husband. I could write page after page about how perfect he is for me, but I will spare you the gushy details, for now. :)
So, my right tube was removed because the ectopic pregnancy caused it to burst. I now have my left tube that the doctors say is in bad shape. What to do??? My Mother & I are quite resourceful and decide to get on the Internet to find some answers. After months of emails, letters, phone calls & Dr. visits, I came in contact with a lovely Dr. @ Stanford University Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility Center in Palo Alto, CA. (about 3 hr drive from my home) I learned of a study that was taking place and if we were to be part of this study, our IVF cost would be cut drastically.
My Mother & I drove to my appt. @ Stanford (husband had to work) and met with this lovely Dr. She had positive things to say which made me hopeful. I did, however, have to jump through a zillion hoops before we could do the actual IVF.
August 13th, 10:15 am I check in for surgery. My perfect OB/GYN was going to perform a "laparoscopic left salpingectomy/hysteroscopy" in other words, she was going to remove my left tube and take some photos of my uterus for my Stanford Dr.
September 1st, begin oral hormones.
Everything seemed to be going rather smoothly and I was feeling ok mentally too. We were looking fwd to our injection training class and our first ultrasound. The training went well and the ultrasound itself looked well, unfortunately, the nurse we were dealing with failed to tell us that my husband needed karyotyping. (blood work that takes 2.5 wks to culture) GRRRR! I left there feeling like I had been punched in the stomach!
October 6th, baseline ultrasound.
Dr. says everything looks real good & we will start Follistim and Repronex in 6 days. woo! hoo! The ride begins ... The injections begin & my husband is amazing! He takes his time and is so gentle. He knows that I have a ridiculous fear of needles. shots, more shots, Antagon ... baby aspirin ... doxycyline ... progesterone ... prenatal ... HCG ... I was a walking hormone!!
October 22nd, egg retrieval and semen collection.
Piece of cake, we'll go in, they'll take those beautiful follicles that I've worked so hard to cultivate and then we go home & relax for the next 3-5 days. Relax? Are you kidding me? Before we left Stanford we were told they harvested 10 eggs! 10!! That's good, right?
They called the next morning to tell us that 7 of those 10 eggs fertilized. 7 fertilized! 7!! That has to be good!
At day 3 all 7 made it to 8 cell and transfer would take place @ day five when the embryos were blastosyst. The study we were a part of was a "PGD study" in other words, some scientist guy would draw a tiny bit of fluid from each 8 cell embryo and do genetic testing. Afer all was said & done, 4 of the 7 were beautiful and in my words, "without flaw".
October 27th, 11:45am - embryo transfer
As I lay there, feet in stirrups, I tell my Dr. that two people had told me I was having twin boys, & I thought there might be some truth to that. She looked up at me with a strange expression, and told me that the 2 embryos that she was transferring were both boys. Wow! That’s crazy, boys? ... I'm going to be the mother of baby boys?? After the procedure, my Husband came in the room & I shared this with him. Neither one of us could wipe the silly grins off our faces. :) Now we're off to the B&B for 3 days and relax. (We were instructed to take it very easy, avoid bumpy roads, and stay off your feet kind of easy for the first 48 hours) So we did.
November 4th, pregnancy test @ Stanford.
My husband had to stay @ home & work so my mother took me to Palo Alto for the blood test. The results would ready after 3pm, same day.
The phone rings ... I answer ... Jennifer, we're sorry...
I couldn't tell you what else was said. I went numb. This wasn't right; they mixed my results up w/ someone else. The lab was very busy this morning; the tech. seemed flustered, that's got to be it. I called my husband, when I heard his voice answer, I fell apart. This wasn't supposed to happen to us! We had done everything right! Why the FUCK was God doing this to me? I kicked, screamed, threw, punched, screamed and cried ... only this time I couldn't sleep. I just lay in our bed and silently cried in the dark. The next day the phone calls began. My brothers, cousins, grandparents, aunts & uncles, friends, you name it, they called. Everyone wanted to know the results. I just watched the called id light up and cried!
Today is November 15th and I am still crying. Not as frequently, but crying nonetheless. I went to church yesterday, not so angry with God. We're going to try for #2.
Two eggs are frozen and waiting for me. I am beginning to feel hope again. I want to feel the excitement of bringing a baby into our family. I want all of it! I want to be pregnant; I want to go through the painstaking labor, sleepless nights, I WANT IT ALL! I want to be a mother and look into the eyes of my child and see the love that my husband & I share for each other.
Now I wait, my next cycle will be the beginning of the next chapter. I wish I could read the last couple of pages and know how all of this will turn out. I want to feel the excitement, but @ the same time shield my heart from any pain.
posted by Jen at 4:53 PM
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